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Domestic violence and visitation
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Shanstar View Drop Down
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Joined: 04/November/2009
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Posts: 2 		  Quote Shanstar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Domestic violence and visitation
    Posted: 04/November/2009 at 08:44
I'm a little confused as to the rights and responsibilities of violent fathers. My beautiful daughter is only 2. I met her father in 2006. He had a domestic violence order placed on him on 2006. He then continued to breach it and ended up in court numerous times. The judge placed him on parole in April this year. He is also a drug abuser. He has now apllied to the family law court for family dispute resolution. I have been sent a Family Dispute Resolution certificate saying that at this stage it is not acceptable to go ahead with the family dispute resolution. Obviously an unsatisfactory outcome for him so he has hired a private solicitor who has sent me a letter saying I will drop my daughter off every day, Monday through to Friday at 2pm and pick her up at 4pm. What can I do? I cant put my daughter in danger by letting him have her.
Sunshine
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MartinO View Drop Down
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Posts: 1802 		  Quote MartinO Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04/November/2009 at 09:13
I presume the domestic violence order was for actions against you, is there any indication he has or is likely to harm the child? I suspect not.

However, to me the bigger question is about his drug use. Is he still using? If so I think it in order to apply to the court to have the access stopped till he has a series of drug screens that show he has ceased using.

Children generally gain from contact with both parents, and while you wish to protect your daughter, you do not own her, and unless there is a good reason, not just an unreasonable fear on your part, the child should have contact with her father.
I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.
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jaazzz View Drop Down
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Posts: 73 		  Quote jaazzz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04/November/2009 at 16:16
It's not about his rights to see her, it's about the childs right to see him .... unless it can be shown that contact with him would be detrimental to the child. MartinO suggestion above is a good one

Why would you act on a letter from his solicitor anyway?? do you have an access order in place ?? and is it for those hours Monday to Friday?
What reason was given in the letter you recieved to stop the family dispute resolution process other than it is not acceptable at this stage to go ahead with it?




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maddiej View Drop Down
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Posts: 30 		  Quote maddiej Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04/November/2009 at 21:44
I feel for you, I truly do. Read my story on interstate visitation.

First of all If you have a letter stating that you are to provide your daughter to your ex at these times I would be checking that the letter and lawyer are legitimate. A lawyer would under all circumstances I believe send you a letter proposing what the father wants NOT what you have to do. Even when there is proven child abuse then the abuser will still be given access usually! I know it sux and it is certaintly not in your daughters best interest. What ever you do do NOT defy a court order! If you defy a court order regardless of the fact that it's because your daughter is unsafe OR doesn't want to go you WILL be charged and in all likelyhood you Will be forced to hand residential custody of her over to him. I know this isn't what you want to hear. Try Department of childrens services and ask them to become involved considering his drug use.
mummy of 2
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MsBrown View Drop Down
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Posts: 25 		  Quote MsBrown Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05/November/2009 at 02:12
If I am reading this correctly, you have been through family dispute and/or been awarded a certificate to say it is not acceptable (in other words there is no hope you can work things out). Your child's father has decided to try using a private lawyer but has not actually got a court order? Monday to Friday 2-4pm? This is nonsense. He may have found a lawyer to write such a letter but I can not imagine any family court judge approving such a schedule.

If there is no court order then you do not have to give him access. However, it would be in your best interest for the future to get some legal help to answer his request. For instance you could voluntarily grant access only if there was another trusted person present and at a time that will not disrupt her life or yours. Any effort you make to facilitate your child's relationship with her father will be in your/her best interest.

Document whatever you can about his drug use. Keep a diary and communicate with him only in writing. There are lots of free or low cost legal services that can help you.

This sounds like a bluff on his part but find out what legal grounds he has.

Good luck.
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maddiej View Drop Down
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Posts: 30 		  Quote maddiej Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05/November/2009 at 08:07
One thing that is in your favour is her incredibly young age
mummy of 2
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rjm View Drop Down
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Posts: 114 		  Quote rjm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05/November/2009 at 09:22
maddiej that's a little extreme don't you think?.People do grow and evolve over time.Many Dad's(and Mums) take a while to pull it all together.You can't judge someone elses situation,they may have been through an abusive childhood themselves.
The 4yr rule you suggest would result in many men giving up hope,and giving up on themselves.That doesn't benefit anyone.
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maddiej View Drop Down
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Posts: 30 		  Quote maddiej Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05/November/2009 at 10:50
Being abused as a child does not then give you a right to be a abuser.
So many seem to think it's about the FATHERS (mothers) right to see the child. What about the childs right?

I know both sides here. I was a child whose father never saw her from the time i was born. My mother married when I was 5 and he is my dad. If my bio father was aloud to pop his head up every few years when he felt like it and disrupt my life my life would have been a nightmarer. Instead I feel loved, happy and secure in my knowledge of a stable loving home. Now at 27 I have a relationship with my bio dad because he never caused me any grief. I never felt like my identity was challenged by not having a bio father in my life.
Forcing children who have either witnessed or been the subject of family violence which we all know harms the child or children who wouldn't know who their father was if they tripped over them to spend time with these men who are strangers and yes I know women also is completely attrocious and is only the current law because well funded mens groups got up in arms and lobbyed the government!

Yes some men have gotten the raw deal and I do feel for those dads who have always played a major role in the childs life and then are cut out. But we should always be looking at the childs right to feel safe, secure and loved.

4 years is a long time and is plenty of time to get your act together. Once again not about the parent's right.

As you can see i am very passionate about this as I have lived both sides
mummy of 2
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rjm View Drop Down
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Posts: 114 		  Quote rjm Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05/November/2009 at 11:19
You missed the point i was making on the abuse issue.I was suggesting that it can be the reason behind some people struggling to get their lives together.Some men realise that in their current state they aren't a good influence and voluntarily remove themselves from their childrens lives until such time as they can be a good influence.Under your proposed rule if it takes more than 4yrs to sort yourself out you lose the right to see your child.Can't see that becoming law as it's unreasonable.
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Shanstar View Drop Down
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Posts: 2 		  Quote Shanstar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05/November/2009 at 12:11
Thankyou so much for all your advice and comments and points of view! My biggest fear is the fact that during our relationship, as a couple, we organised anger management counselling which he annulled becaused he didn't want to hear what the counsellor said about his aggression. He was ordered by the courts to attend drug rehabilitation which he also never attended. He is on parole now and it seems as though he still hasn't learnt anything. He refuses to accept that he has a problem. That scares me the most when it comes to my precious little girl. She is so small and cant speak for herself. What if he got high while she was in his care and fell asleep and she wandered off or worse. I hate to even think about it. He has already shaken one 2 year old but unfortunately that cant be proven now. Im so scared for my bub and what if the courts cant see my concerns??? Where do I stand? He tried to choke me hence the DVO but has never hurt our daughter so is that considered a risk to the child also or not? How do I go about getting a drug screening. I cant afford a solicitor and all the while it takes for Legal Aid time is ticking away. I dont want to do the wrong thing in a legal sense and I certainly want only whats best for my bub
Sunshine
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maddiej View Drop Down
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Posts: 30 		  Quote maddiej Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05/November/2009 at 13:15
You Can represent urself if u are unable to obtain a lawyer but I wouldn't really advise this unless necessary. Your solicitor needs to request that he undergo drug counselling and a series of drug tests before being aloud any unsupervised access. I believe you would be granted that since their is previous drug issues surrounding him. Was the fact he shook a 2 year old ever reported to children protection? If so this is a really good thing for you to have brought up in court regardless of proof. The courts will see your concerns however the new laws restrict them from denying access without damn good reason ie; he's a serial killer! I recently read about a boy called Nathan whose father was sexually abusing him and the child stated this and the doctor attested that he was being abused but still the court forced him to have weekends with his father! I would really call child services and ask them to help you, they will. They are helping me. Good luck hunni I wish you and your little one all the best
mummy of 2
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MsBrown View Drop Down
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Posts: 25 		  Quote MsBrown Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05/November/2009 at 13:19
Call family relationships advice line. 1800 050 321 I found them to be really helpful. So was Legal Aid advice line, they organised an urgent appointment for the next day. Also try Women's Law Centre 1800 625 122.

You didn't answer my questions so I don't know what else to suggest. If he has no court order he can't force you to do anything and if he threatens you in anyway get another AVO.
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